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have a lovely Saturday lovelies.
Heartaches and a white gown,
numbers on the scale and a fake smile.
A plastic wristband around the wrist and goosebumps I can’t resist.
Its cold and I’m numb, thoughts about the past occupy my mind. I’ve been here since 8:30 and don’t have an appetite. My nurse offered animal crackers from the vending machine, it was silently denied. My chest hurts and I just want to go back to the facility, the doctor said I’d be back around 2 (the latest.)
Hospitals don’t make me feel better, they make me feel like a vegetable or an experiment. So many tests being done and anxiousness for unpredictable results. I don’t think many people choose to go to the hospital, I mean unless they must an they know. I don’t know.
I mentioned to Louis last night that I wanted to be a person, voluntarily, who brings therapeutic pets to a children’s hospital of some sort. I would love to be some part of a reason a child smiles or laughs, people. I hope it’s possible, last night was actually the first time I mentioned it to someone without being scared of judgement.
I noticed I haven’t been true to myself and others, if only people knew what else there is to me than just some girl who is struggling with emotions and whatever the hell else is wrong with me. If any, really.
“I’m fine” but I’m not? I feel I have much to get out with my ed and thoughts and just opinions. People who doubt me and question it just makes me doubt myself even more.
“you’re a liar” that’s something that Louis told me, and it’s been on my mind. I am a liar I guess, everyone’s a liar. I just hate that I “lie” to him, it’s not necessarily that I lie, I just avoid the fact that it happened with intentions of my own and no one can understand what they were sometimes I don’t even remember at the time but I avoid it because it hurts, it hurts severly. How I wish I can actually make him fall in love with me again with trust and what not, idk.
I’m tired and now starting to get hungry, I feel exposed and just don’t know if there’s anything else to share with people, at the moment.
Why do some things happen? And why do they happen for a reason, if any.
I’m in a pickle.
I hope everyone’s day is better than mine for the most part, I’ll be better.
I want to smile, I will smile, I am smiling.
Happy days to everyone else
The group that I’m about to go into, Nutrition Group, is the group I dread so much. My dietitian usually talks about our symptoms and what our behaviors do to our bodies, consequently. Lady, I know what it does that’s why I’m here:(
I do appreciate, however, the efforts she puts into her job as well as the dedication/passion she has for it an us.
We’re learning about frozen meals and how we can fit them into our meal plans. I’ve been having ruminating thoughts about Louis, I wish it was a better day for the reason being that I’m having a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich today and I haven’t had one in so long, such a fear food.
I’m numb and just silent watching everything mindfully being aware of my body sensations and thoughts.
Ed is tired, we’re both exhausted. I won’t bother him today. Only because he’s not bothering me..so far
I feel so sleep deprived at the moment an have a lot of negative body image thoughts. My stomach hurts and it’s a unusual way to start the morning:(
My head still hurts from racing thoughts due to last night’s conversation with Louis. I love him so much it hurts ne to know I’ve neglected his trust and sometimes optimism..
Today, I wish to eat adequately according to meal plan, and just be in the moment. I hope to talk to Louis today and it will be good but we’ll see.
I’m so tired of myself and this process. I’m beginning to doubt the reasons for coming here, and starting to doubt my will power
I’m so tired, melancholic tuesdays everyone